Needs (part 3) - The Need to be Competent

Scripture – Romans 7:18-25

The need to be competent – To be adequate; Having the capacity

Nobody wants to be incompetent. We think that means that you are a failure. You don’t measure up to what people expect or what you think they expect.

My brother is putting a new addition on to his house. He wanted my help getting shingles up on the roof and building a chimney chase on the roof. It was me, and my two brothers. Both of my brothers are carpenters. I am not. They do this stuff all the time. I never do it. We got the shingles, put up the ladder, and everyone took their positions. Dan was going to climb the ladder with the shingles, hand them to me on the porch roof, and then I would hand them to Josh on the new roof. I don’t like roofs, and I’m not comfortable on them (when they are steep, or if I have to do anything other than sit.) I traded with Dan. My first fear was that I wouldn’t be able to carry the shingles all the way up the ladder. My second fear was falling off the ladder. My third fear was not being able to do it. We had 18 bundles to get up. Dan had already taken up one. So, I had 17. It wasn’t pretty, but I was getting them up there. When I got to #14, Josh came down to help. I said, “You stay up there, I’ve got it.” He had to go back up anyway so he took a bundle with him. I finished the remaining bundles.
Why did I say that to my brother? Why didn’t I want his help?

Later that night, we went back over to his house to build the chase for the chimney. Josh and Dan were both drawing lines on the floor, so I took a pencil and started drawing lines to. Josh asked me what I was doing. I jokingly said, “I’m just trying to fit in.” It was time to move supplies to the roof. Josh and Dan were both busy measuring and cutting. I seized the moment. I said to myself, “I’ll show them that I can do this to.” I grabbed the sheets of plywood and began to make my plan to get on the roof, and I did it. I felt good. Then all of a sudden, my left knee started to give out on me. I thought great, “Now I’m useless again.” I held the flashlight while they put the chase together. I thought to myself, “What a waste of time.” I’m useless up here. I look like an idiot. What must they be thinking about me, their older brother. Then as we began to make our way back down the roof, Josh said, “Thanks for helping me. What happened to your knee.” He didn’t care that I get scared when I’m on steep roofs, or that I’m the best shingle carrier in the world. He cared about me. Both he and Dan were looking out for me on the roof. They weren’t thinking that I was getting in the way.

When you come here to The Grip, do you feel like you have to act a certain way, or do you feel that you can completely be yourself. Are we getting to know the real you or is this something that you are making up to meet what you think our expectations of you are.

For someone to say that they are competent means that they can do it (whatever it is) on their own. They don’t need help. We all have a need to feel important and needed. It is important that we are competent in some things. It is also important that we recognize our need for help, and accept it.

Who can cook? Who can’t cook?
Who can change the oil? Who doesn’t know how?

A key ingredient to relationships is “vulnerability” and “reliance”. It is having the ability to say to someone, “I need you. I can’t do this on my own.”

We have this need to be loved. We have this need to be accepted by others. We have this need to be competent.

We want to be loved (intimately and unconditionally) by someone. Avril Lavine – Is anyone there trying to find me. Won’t somebody please take me home. The love we find fails or will fail eventually, because the place that we are looking is not perfect.

We want to be accepted by someone for who we are. When we aren’t, we try to prove ourselves. We say, “I’m worth something, aren’t I? Why doesn’t anyone else think so. I’ll show them that I’m worth something”. The acceptance we find fails or will fail eventually, because the place that we are looking is not perfect.

We want to be competent. We want to prove our worth. We don’t want to admit that we need help, because that implies weakness. The competence that we find fails or will fail eventually.
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Breakout Session Guide D.L. stands for Discussion Leader -
Have you thought about what we’ve been talking about here over the last couple of weeks? Have you recognized your needs and how they effect the things that you do?
D.L. notes:
Encourage the teens to think about this stuff outside of The Grip. We are talking about
real life stuff.
Ask, “How have your needs been effecting the things you do?”

What do you think that we expect from you here at The Grip?
D.L. notes:
Encourage the teens to be honest about what they really feel when they walk in the door
here. This is an opportunity to communicate our expectations: We expect them to be
themselves. The person that they are at school; around their friends; whoever the real
person is, that’s what we expect.

What happens to relationships when we fail to recognize our need for the other person?
D.L. notes:
This question gets at how our actions effect others. How does it feel for someone to say,
“I don’t need you.” Froto and Bilbo Baggins in the water at the end of the 1st movie.
Froto wanted to go alone, but Bilbo wouldn’t let him. Bilbo new that Froto needed him.

What are some things that you can do well, and what are some things that you need help with?
D.L. notes:
Start by talking about things that they can do. Who can cook, change oil, algebra, etc…?
Next ask what do they need help to do? Are relationships an issue for you (something
you need help with?
Don’t spend a lot of time here

What about when it comes to making moral decisions? What about when comes to your life after you die?
D.L.notes:
Let them answer the questions, and then read Romans 7:18-25 Take this opportunity to
share a little about the struggles that you go through. Making decisions (right vs. wrong)
How does your relationship with Christ help you through that?